sometimes I just wish...and wonder

I will say it from the start to save the questions, yes...I believe in great things like Kharma, best intentions, free will, good will, path of most resistance if that is what will be more helpful in the end...all those things, all those things to feel better and do good in the world...sometimes I just wish others would do the same. The others I am talking about, well, they are not people I don't know, b/c I don't know they so it's quite irrelivant...but I am talking about those nearest to me. I am scared these days my current relationship is going to come to an end. NO, I do still love him...and I am pretty sure he still loves me, but 4 years later and I am no closer to accepting the way he parents his kids (he has a F 15 year old, non-bio, a F 13 year old, bio and our son, 6 months. I have a F 9 year old, bio) His 13 year old lives with us b/c her mom didn't want her. I HATE what I am going to say next...but now I have been living with her for 2 years, I get it. She is my step-daughter, but I feel closer to some strangers on the street. She shares my home, yet with a scawlly look, and rude comments, whiney voice and unbelieveable demands and disrepect she shows her father, well it makes me sick. Sometimes I wish so badly her mom would take her back, but she won't. Sadly, her mom doesn't even like her, let alone love her. Yes, she is 13 and prickley is their motto...but I have know her since she was 8 and she is the same, if not worse. She treats her dad like SHIT...but what is WORSE??? He takes it....no, more than that...he takes it, inables it, supports it, sucks up to her and sooks afterwards....and the meaner she gets, the nicer he gets to her. It is the same with his oldest...BUT with my daughter and son, pftt...the way she talks to him, he would never stand for it with my kids. EVER. Sometimes I wish I would win the lotto, pack up my own two kids and move the hell outta here...I wish it....but it won't happen. Once I am back to work I may need to sort out something to help me...but for now, suck it up kid. I just wish it was different, but it's not.

Randomness, Act 1

The DSM-IV, basically, is a manual, not unlike the bible to Christians, but for mental health clinicians and psychiatrists, used to diagnose people with all sorts of mental illnesses. You hear about people's (or your own) mental illnesses all the time...in the media (Britney much?), at your job, in your house, in your extended family, friends.... Well, in the DSM-IV, they are all in there, anxiety, depression, psychosis, OCD, ODD, ADHD, eating disorders, tourettes, tics, bipolar, schizophrenia, pica, you name it...and if you are 'sick' in your mind, you will go to someone who will refer themselves to that book (in front of you or in their head) and give you a 'label', a name to that 'horrible, not so good way' you are feeling in your head...they might tell you "you will get better' and chances are, YOU WILL, but you will always remember that time, that label and that diagnosis, won't you? You may even use it as an excuse sometimes, or allow yourself to 'fall in depression' , for example, quite frequently...what if you found out that relapsing might just be the easier way out for some? Sound harsh? Sound stupid and insane? 1-2% of the population have a definitive excuse, a 'no way around it, that guy/gal is sick with a mental illness' sort of person,, but for most, it's just not that simple. That is the most difficult to understand and accept, but for most of us, our experinces with the mental health side of things in life is just a passing moment, not something to let control your identity, then or now, in any which way.



I work for mental health...I work on a child and adolescent team, and we use the DSM-IV all the time, which for now I will call dsm4 b/c it's easier, and because this is my blog, lol ;) and who really cares anyway? I just want to get my thoughts out there about stuff I think about all the time. I am just really needing a place to vent out my thoughts, fan them out...beat them with a broom, like rugs when you hang them out on your veranda and beat the dust out... I just need something like that, but with my mind :) That's why I am bloggin now.

I am here, in my pretty nice pad (if I do say so myself) home for a year, on maternity leave. My boy is 6 months now, and he brings out my best side, that's for certain. I have another 6 months left, then back to work I go-go. I am happy to go back, mostly b/c I love the work, but 'the leaving of the baby' issue, well, I hate that issue. But I will deal...



NO idea where this blog will go...I hope I write more thought provoking entries and more to do with mental health, and I believe I will...my mind is provoked daily...by all sorts of things...I want to talk more about people getting labeled, so early in life sometimes, and how I can't help but wonder, what's the point? We all have things we go through, I see it ALL the time...everyone of us....yup, even me from time to time. So it's kinda like the stigma ruins the potential normalcy and acceptance of anything mind related..."think of it this way, no other way"....it's unrealistic with 6 billion of us out there...we all need to accept what we have, ESPECIALLY if you live anywhere comfortable in the world, no matter what life throws you. Some people got it bad, that is without a doubt...but no matter what happens, if you can stay where you are (yes, I love Eckhart) stay there, still, in your mind, in your now, you will prosper. I really have seen it make a difference...that said, I can not WAIT to vent and get all my sticky cobwebs out, so I haven't got Eckhart down pat, lol...I used to journal all the time, but my boyfriend read my journal and caught me being not so nice, hehe...so now I am resorting to a blog...which is actually a fun and fantastic new option...after journaling for years, I miss it like I miss smoking...which I do miss, by the way....but that's another story for another day..my daughter is home, she is 9...yep, more than one kid...yet another story for yet another day :) lots of stories, with lots of thoughts and theories, questions and musings attached....'cause that just me :)